omg i realise now that it IS all about the attitude.

yesterday was our last official day of school, and mrgoh showed us this photoshow of ourselves the ip class of 2004, and it showed what we'd done and participated in and achieved and accomplished over this year. in those like few minutes i realised that we actually did do a lot of things, and we actually did have loads of fun in the process, but somehow in the midst of all the stress and deadlines we forgot about that fact, or refused to acknowledge it, and started focussing on all the bad parts of the programme. it was really really sweet and some people were crying, because really it was touching and nice to see that what we'd done was so carefully documented cos most of the things we'd completely forgotten about already. it showed us also what we'd been through together as the pioneer batch (the only one ever!) and we realised that only the 128 of us in the world will have these common memories to look back on and smile at. because this really was quite a tough year, being the first both for us and the programme.

i think it made us realise that our teachers, or some at least, really care about us and they all do put in lots of effort, even though we're totally not the easiest bunch of people to deal with. we're actually extremely critical and demanding, but i think it was really good that our suggestions were actually put into effect? yeah and you could really see that the teachers and stuff did want the best for us after all, and they were trying very hard to make this work out. and i can see that to some of the teachers we're all as good as their children, or something, which is really really sweet! and we don't put in effort into all our work, and all this year we've rewarded the teachers with lousy results, and complaints about the unreasonable workload.

and they told us that it was really important that we document every step of our journey, so we have all these pictures and memories to look back on after the four years that we'll be staying. and at the end of it all, we'd have this overall photoshow and we'd all be able to look back on how we'd grown and changed and matured over these four years, and then hopefully we'd be happy about it and proud of ourselves, and satisfied that we'd made it through together=) so on friday we're going to have a cohort photo, how cute=)

anyway i think year ends are always emotional moments for everyone, because its when you have noting much to do except look back on the past one year of growing, and realise that you're going to leave it all behind.

for me, on the last day of this year, i'll be looking back on induction, orientation, sentosa, maldives, elections, cheerleading, touch rugby camp and trainings, enrichment week, induction2005, australia OKAY ten things is enough=) not to mention friendships, and the smaller things like things we talked about, places we went out together to, class outings, frequent kap trips (i totally never went there with friends until this year even though its like THAT near my house), late night mass msn conversations, late night rushing of homework, spire, procrastinating and just everything else. i may not like the people in my class THAT much, but i cant help but feel affable towards them just because of the shared memories, and because they HAVE been quite a big part of my life this year. i think we all feel sad to be leaving such a year behind, a year like this where there have definitely been ups and downs but we've shut our eyes and pulled through the downs and everything turned out to be okay again at the end.

okay about the juniors, of course we won't want them around because they're sort of invading into this bond we share as THE ip batch, of course we can all say we hate the idea of having juniors, we hate our juniors and whatever, but we cant help their coming in, either. but i still think we'll end up being nice to them and stuff. cant say much about what ive seen of the juniors so far, i havent formed much impressions yet. jiatian and i agreed that theyre quite an average looking bunch haha, and we were wondering how the ones who looked like nerds would change by the end of next year (maybe they wouldnt change at all), or more like how theyd all change by that time. i didnt stay for games, most people said it was boring because the juniors were dead? oh which brings me to wonder what our seniors felt about getting a new ip cohort coming into the jc, think we must have been equally unwelcome haha. oh yea i guess it was quite obvious at the beginning of the year. haha but it got better. but i think its different for us, because our seniors werent the only j1/j2 batch ever. so. went out to watch white chicks, like finally. and it was damn funny! the thousand miles song was stuck in my head for the rest of the day ahahaa.

oh of course i sometimes still miss life in my old school, the all girls' environment, the people, the enrichment activities and stuff but i dont think i'd trade my year for anything else. i just wish THEYD LET US GO TO OBS. i thought ALL sec 3s got to go, they are totally depriving us of that sense of BONDING and the experiences that come with it haha. SIGH.

i think next year will be just like this year, we'll obviously be pissed and depressed and stressed all over again, we'll just have to keep reminding ourselves to keep happy i suppose? or maybe not, but we'll pull through anyway.

omg this is like a 1000-word entry, unbelievable.
and then she looked away.

i love the clouds.

i love when it rains, because then you can touch the bits of cloud that are falling from the sky=)

there are really colours in the clouds. and today was a bad sad day. haha. about clouds - i could spend forever lying on the floor and looking out the window at them, i dont know why=) when i was younger i used to pretend that it wasnt the clouds moving but me, and imagine that i was floating by slowly, past the stationary sky. but i never liked to say, oh, that cloud looks like a dragon, and that one, over there, is definitely a strawberry! because that was just silly, they werent dragons, they were clouds, pretty clouds. and most of the time they didnt look like anything, anyway. that, i think, is also why i love plane trips and the occasional turbulence. i used to vaguely think that if i fell into the sky and into a cloud, i'd be shaken up and down like when theres turbulence=)
and i thought that clouds tasted sickening-sweet like cotton candy, until i tasted the rain. and toby would come lie beside me sometimes and he'd close his eyes and just smell sweet and fresh and... catty. and then i'd fall asleep on the floor beside the window, because it just felt so safe and sweet and nice and comfortable. .......... . . . . . =)

i think my brain doesnt have the ability to unconsciously translate thoughts into words haha. its only upon reading what someone else has written that i think, hey thats exactly how i feel! i think that if i didnt come across short chunks of pretty words all the time, i wouldnt be able to express any thoughts at all. which is sort of scary. its like theres this inert puddle of mud in my mind, and only when i see a mud sculpture can i get my mind to form a nice one too. haha whatever. okay todays soup of the day is..... sometimes when you don't do something, its not necessarily that you don't want to do it, on the contrary - it could be because you want it too much.
so true =) sometimes i wish the world didnt have all its little uhh rigidities? not really formalities, more like little set rules, like sometimes i get so bored on the bus ride back then i wish it was normal for strangers to actually talk to each other rather than sitting and staring stonily out the window. haha one time i looked around at the people who didnt have anyone they knew to talk to, and i realised that they all had the same hilariously stupid look on their faces, blank expressions and half glazed eyes and all... seriously because when youre on a bus theres a great temptation to stare into space and not even think about anything at all, which almost certainly makes you retarded if you do it too much. but then strangers wouldnt have much to talk about unless they were really open, and small talk is boring and painful so hmm.
and i am so sad that i dont hear nice songs on the car radio anymore... i have them on the computer but its not as fun! because then there wouldnt be the simple pleasure in stumbling across a nice thing by chance =) andd todays chinese test sucked! as in not only the test itself, the lt also.. it suddenly got so cold that my nose died on me yes DIED completely. haha that was so irritating. okay this is a boring entry. and today is a boring day. and mine is a boring life. no not quite but still=) oh i think html is a chore.
and then she looked away at 5.19pm

i dont know how to start^^ haha anyway. i watched private parts! ahahaaa it was niceee=) i think the comic timing was quite good.. like after a chunk of serious stuff there would invariably be a joke to lighten the mood. dont know why but i thought the funniest part was when they were talking about warrens.. private parts being hit by a golf club and mirabella said she could imagine it making headlines - singapore actor loses membership to golf club HAHAHA i still think its hilarious^^ oh and the dancing was cool.. it was so female! i couldnt accept that it was men dancing ahaha. yeah and they have really nice legs=)and it was thought provoking too i guess.. i never knew there was a diff between transsexual and transvestite^^.
after that was my sisters birthday dinner. and yesterdays friendlys... I MUST LOOK BEFORE I PASS! but it was still fun heh. and contact rugby is painful to watch. haha seriously.. the way they drag each other down and then happily pile on top of the unfortunate guy is.. brutal=). but its exciting! ahaha. hm that essentially means that my official homework status = screwed^^ but whatever.
and she looked away at 11.21pm

Donations for pink cloud children's home =) listed in reverse chronological order.
um a KILLER SMILE =)=)=) Donated by tooth fairy!
angels of deathhhhh = Donated by god.
213'03! Donated by shiyunch (:
exploding pigs and dynamite cows! =X Donated by farmer joe
More RGSs - sure recipe for mass suicide. In any event should that fail, backup would be a generation of created psychotics who will have to be electrocuted b/c the state doesn't have enough money to keep all in a mental institution. Donated by Terribly sorry. I'm feeling lame.
math textbooks and landmines in the shape of flowerpots Donated by blehh
Elvish Archers Donated by Jeckalz
M16 Rifles Donated by Jeckalz
Bazookas Donated by Jeckalz
Jet Fuel Tankers Donated by Jeckalz
Nuclear Warheads Donated by Jeckalz
Anthrax Letters Donated by Jeckalz
Atomic Bomb Donated by Jeckalz
Some weapon Donated by Jeckalz
deadly mutant flu virus Donated by duckt0r evilll
suicide bombers (only loyal to ME though) Donated by c =)
toxic pile of poo Donated by guess poo?
aeroplanes and screaming kids' voiceboxes Donated by saniah
18th century repeating rifles Donated by 18th century soldier (:
Star-in-a-bottle > classy trinkets that explode with deadly force and efficiency Donated by Wanjie
invisible bullets Donated by the invisible man
nuclear bombs (hidden in furry pastel pillowcases) Donated by random millionaire =)
hahaha i think these are amusing.. its my collection of donated weapons of mass destruction! which i put up like one million years ago. i just checked it.. so cute!! ahaha okae im the laziest person on earth and therefore cannot be bothered to post a proper entry.. oh friendlys tmr =) yay! haha okaeee bye^^
and she looked away at 11.32pm

so blissweek is over^^. i think two weeks passed by really fast and stuff, but i learnt (or semi-learnt) windsurfing and rollerblading -properly- and um singing, to some extent, and how to boil chinese tea -_-. hahaha. oh today was fun! the tea chapter thing.. its funny how amusing boiling tea can be when youre bored. but the tea was nice! and the tea egg ahaha.
hmmm okay now i shall type whatever comes into my mind^^... windsurfing was really fun! but there was only one session so we just rigged up and went out a bit. there wasnt any wind! but maybe that was good haha i've seen windsurfers in strong wind O_o they go really fast. but windsurfing isnt as fun as sailing! dont know why.
right. the quarry visit was.. not so fun ahaha. i think because it was so super hot! and we just walked and walked and walked forever. actually it wasnt tiring at all, surprisingly, it was just really sian. like all we did was look at the ground and move our feet. seriously, cos if you didnt youd trip over some random rock or sth in a second. but the rock and whatever hands on things were okay i guess. oh speaking about the quarry, the scenery was supposedly nice and breathtaking and whatever? at least thats what everyone was saying. dunno i think i have become desensitized to nice scenery.. like i get the feeling that once you experience it for the first time, the rest of the times even when you see different landscapes it still feels the same so theres that been-there-done-that bleahh detached feeling. but then agn maybe it was just a quarry so. haha. i still like sitting at the beach and with the sea and wind, though, so thats okay =) ahahaaa i like the sea!! its big and intimidating and beautiful and everchanging all at the same time.
um and then there was rollerblading! haha it was nice although the teacher went very slowly. but then we were in beginner -_- so. hahaha that was the first time i bladed in like a few years so i was happy i didnt fall or whatever. i remember thinking that thursday and wednesday were nice days for two different reasons each ahaha so strange. nevermind.
so now its back to normalcy i guess. ohhh and did i mention that my gpa sucks? whatever i -will- get like 3.8 by next term^^. i hope.
oh one thing. im not dao! im just.. blur^^ and shy. haha a lot of times if i dont smile or wave or say hi its because i really didnt see you, not whatever. but if i dont know you really well i only say hey if you smile or sth first^^ and most of the time i only realise that someone's walked past me after they actually walk past. so yeah. its not intentional! most of the time.
a long time ago in the morning the person waved at me from in front but my specs were fogged from the car^^ so i didnt know who it was, and i smiled back in case. oh and there wasnt anyone else around. then the person slowed down and i was wondering if i was expected to catch up and walk alongside, and why didnt they stop outright? i mean, i would, i think. then dunno what and the person turned off my path so i didnt follow. recently the same person (im -quite- sure) gave this -really- big wave when i was training but i only saw it out of the corner of my eye and turned around to see if anyone else was waving back but -no- so it was weird and i didnt do anything cos by that time theyd already walked past. yea i feel guilty for some reason. andd im more than fairly sure i dont recognise the person so yes its weird. oh i think this is a sweet line.
who are you? please, wave before you pass me by.
and she looked away at 12.14pm

[my name is]: … [in the morning i am]: always three-quarters asleep. [all i need is]: contentment =) [love is]: umm sweet. or bittersweet. [if i could see one person right now]: not anyone particularly because i’m um, in pyjamas ^^ [im afraid of]: dying and not feeling my life has been worthwhile. [i dream about]: haha i love my dreams.. they’re mostly like cheesy action dramas that i only half remember when i get up, and they always have nice endings i think =) H A V E Y O U E V E R . . . [cried when someone died]: hmm probably not.. but then no one really close to me has died yet so. [drank alcohol]: no haha don’t want to. [lied]: no -_- are you stupid? [coke or pepsi]: coke [flowers or candy]: ahaha both! but then i’d rather get one flower than one piece of candy =) W I T H T H E O P P O S I T E S E X . . . [what do u notice first?]: eyes. [last person u slow danced with]: don’t know? dont think ive ever slowdanced haha. [tall or short]: tall..er than me is fine =) W H O . . . [makes u laugh the most?]: dawn my –sailing budd- now, amanda used to =) [makes you smile]: toby! [gives u a funny feeling when u see them]: haha i shall hedge this question. funny as in FUNNY or funny as in funny? whatever^^ [has a crush on u?]: .. [easier to talk to: boys or girls?]: don’t know. its not the gender, its the person that matters i think. D O Y O U E V E R . . . [sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. u?]: haha no? [cried because of someone saying something to u]: um i should haveeee ok this is boringgggg. H A V E Y O U E V E R . . . [fallen for ur best friend]: no. fallen down in front of, maybe ^^ [been rejected]: yeah. if you count the time i asked my p1 friend to exchange this miniature puppy thing we were collecting, and she said no because mine was too ugly =)=) oh nevermind. [rejected someone]: well yeah. um depends on what you make of the word i suppose. [used someone]: not really.. at least, not intentionally. [been cheated on]: uh no. [done something u regret]: definitely, but theyre all minor hehh. W H O W A S T H E L A S T P E R S O N . . . [u talked to]: my sister [hugged]: don’t know? eh weird. [u instant messaged]: jia [u laughed with]: HAHAHA my lithosphere proj group. our script rocks ass ^^ it gave me a stomachache, and probably damaged jiatians back for life H A V E Y O U / / D O Y O U / / A R E Y O U [smoke]: no but today we built *okay fine, imaginary* burning curse-pyres which produced enough smoke to raise the psi to 299 and make our sensitive new age god tear^^ [obsessive]: you think? hahaa no actually im rly laid back. [could u live without the computer?]: what’d you give me? [how many peeps are on ur buddylist?]: omg i hate the word PEEPS, for gods sake. it reminds me of a nest of baby birds um, peeping -_-150 [what's your favorite food?]: haha too lazy to think. i love my favourite foods! [whats ur favorite fruit?]: ehh. peaches! [what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: aren’t they completely different kinds of pain? if i really had to choose, emotional. it.. messes you up more i think. [trust others way too easily?]: heh no. i lean the other way. F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S . . . [i want]: since you ask, a new bag, a new wallet, a new pencil case and clothes! haha i’m sorry^^ but really, nothing else [i wish]: to be happy with what i have. for blue skies and huge smiles, and fulfilment. also to travel much more. [i love]: my cats, writing, my bed, good books, laughing, the sea, the sun, wind, silence, scenery, the feel of a new experience, ball games, sailing, sand, the feeling you get just before you drift off to sleep, the people around me, going on holiday, talking to people i like talking to, *sometimes* intellectual arguments, amusing myself.. lots of things. [i miss]: some people, some times in my life, being really young [i fear]: uh didn’t i already answer? lets make this qn “i hate” haha. crowds, for one, and too much noise, and certain people, and bigger things that i cant be bothered to put down^^ [i hear]: music from my own comp heh even angels fall.. its nice though! not much else seeing as its 12.40 haha. oh toby’s purring=) [i wonder]: …a lot of things. right now, vague stuff about falling stars and space and time. metaphysics, bleahhh. oh now its something about antartica and scientific vessels. if theres anyone born exactly the same second/minute i was and where? relativity, now. what a person must be going through mentally before he decides to shoot himself in the head, jump off a building, stuff like that.

i think surveys are lame. oh well i was bored. =)

ask them if they’ve met, and despite that overwhelming familiarity, that sense of having half-known each other for about all their lives, they’ll have to shake their heads and say no. but who knows, it may have been a hand on a doorknob, directly on top of the fresh imprint of the other. the same beach scene, viewed through a different pair of eyes exactly one year later, a leaf, blown onto the shoulder of one having just left that of the other. it could have been that slight brushing past in the crowd, each looking the other way, or that forgotten childhood toy, picked up out of the bushes where the other left it in childlike haste ten years ago. maybe it’s chance encounters they don’t remember, the way supposedly parallel lines sometimes touch each other and go apart again, unnoticed in this great tapestry of effusive colour. or that moment their thoughts alighted on the exact same thing. so close and yet so unfathomably far apart. but ask them if they’ve met, and they’ll think really hard, and, not without that trace of puzzlement and reluctance, they’ll have to shake their heads.

don’t know where this came from, the inspiration came from lots of things, and sth i read rly long ago haha. i think the concept of it is really nice, and melancholy at the same time. i love working with possibilities^^

oh i can't wait for enrichment weeks! i really want to windsurf!! and the best thing is, its at nsc where i used to sail =) thing about sailing is you really miss it when you stop.. that sense of um freedom and abandon when youre far out at sea alone in your boat trying to navigate in the strongstrong wind. sabrina agrees that you suffer from sailing deprivation after 6 months hahaha. oh i remember last year we slacked off training and hijacked some windsurf things and played around. i actually learnt to move forward a bit -_- haha. as of now im addicted to the song penny and me =)
ravenfire looked away at 1.03am

ahahaaa everyone should go try this game its called petals around the rose. its so frustratingly simple once you get it, the only thing you should remember is that the name is important. haha i took um 6 minutes? i think. after only half-getting it for a million years -_-. anyway. go try! =)=)

hmm. haha um its the holidays. for some reason i feel so.. lethargic and slow and sleepy and half-stupid. haha dunno why. and workkkk is in that pile at the dusty forsaken corner of my mind. andd there are things i have to get done by this week too, and obviously haven't started on. like mi and ih haha. speaking of work, sldfja;l what is wrong with you? sometimes its like, and other times its like,,,, haha whatever, i dont know. ... and traininggg i think they all hate me now haha i haven't been going. but like, you can't expect me to go if you don't tell me in advance can you? ahhhh so irritating and i can't be bothered to do anything about anything haha someone save me. i hope i can still um catch and pass -_= to save my life. diediedieeee but the words do not correlate with my apathy. ambivalence. whatever. haha correlation and causation. MI. i hear um, spongebob in the background. sister's watching. ohhh i need books i want trainspotting, one flew over the cuckoos nest and a lot more i can't remember. how vaguely frustrating. my train of thought right now, has just gone off its tracks onto like grass or something and is threading random circles in the endless green plains. um, choo choo? =)=) haha am i going maddddd.
ravenfire looked away from a little window on her train